Narcissism In Modern Dating: Why Do We Tolerate Toxic Behaviours?
Navigating the dance between masculine and feminine energies is like trying to find the right beat at a party where everyone’s dancing to their own tune. In this chat, we dive deep into how men and women can embrace their respective energies, with a sprinkle of humor and a whole lot of truth. It’s fascinating how women, when in touch with their feminine side, seem to attract the kind of partners that resonate with them, but sometimes it’s like they’re tuning into a different frequency. We explore the idea that societal pressures and norms often lead people to behave in narcissistic ways, not because they’re inherently narcissists, but because the social media circus has normalized it. This leads to a discussion about how many folks are unknowingly drawn to toxic relationships, often because they embody some of those toxic traits themselves. It’s a wild ride, but we’re here to make sense of it all, so grab your headphones and let’s get into it!
Takeaways:
- Men and women often attract partners that reflect their own unresolved issues, leading to toxic dynamics.
- The societal normalization of narcissistic behaviors can confuse individuals about what healthy relationships look like.
- Women may seek security through relationships, prompting them to desire a masculine energy that balances their own.
- Understanding the difference between narcissism and narcissistic behaviors is crucial in navigating modern relationships.
Transcript
For a woman to move more into the feminine and more natural for a man to move into his masculine.
Speaker A:When they do meet those their divine counterpart.
Speaker A:I would say so many people seem like narcissists, but sometimes just a lot of them are having narcissistic behaviors and society overall or social media have really normalized that behavior.
Speaker B:Yes, definitely the case.
Speaker B:I have spoken to so many, not so many, but I've spoken to some sort of very naive, I don't want to say naive, but successful, less, maybe less educated as you are in these sorts of things.
Speaker B:Successful, conscientious, sort of go getter, boss, babe type people.
Speaker B:And they're the ones that.
Speaker B:Well, they.
Speaker B:I think that the idea of equality is an interesting one because women will say they want equality, but then when it comes to relationships, they actually don't want equality.
Speaker B:They're looking for an A consider not considerable.
Speaker B:What's the word?
Speaker B:They're looking for a considered amount of inequity with regards to.
Speaker B:I think it's got something to do with trait agreeableness.
Speaker B:So there's a personality trait, agreeableness, which is how compassionate and how polite you are.
Speaker B:And on average women tend to be more compassionate and polite and men tend to be less.
Speaker B:And that's just on average.
Speaker B:But there's obviously plenty of men out there that are more agreeable than plenty of women.
Speaker B:But the point I'm trying to make is maybe they're looking for sort of some form of inequity, given their point.
Speaker B:So these women I speak to, they're very, very sort of conscientious.
Speaker B:They're very, I guess, stereotypically masculine.
Speaker B:And they're the ones that tend to often fall for toxic stereotypically a toxic masculine.
Speaker B:The sort of men that you look at.
Speaker B:And I would go, what the are you doing?
Speaker B:He's obviously.
Speaker B:And he's obviously bad news.
Speaker B:And I think it's because if they're up here, they're looking.
Speaker B:They can only go for men up here.
Speaker B:And maybe if you push sort of masculine behavior to its extreme, it does become quite toxic in the same way with.
Speaker B:With feminine.
Speaker B:It can also.
Speaker B:I think that that is the case to be fair.
Speaker B:So I think part of the reason why we have so many.
Speaker B:I'm sure you.
Speaker B:I'm sure you get women coming to you saying I keep going for the wrong type of guys.
Speaker B:I don't know what to do about it is partly because the.
Speaker B:Obviously the source the gender rolling was wrong, but it regulated people in the sense that it didn't mean that women were looking for characteristics that were going to, in the long run, possibly be damaging to themselves and the sense of the cohesion of the relationship.
Speaker B:But it meant that they, I don't know, the inequity was sort of, it was calibrated in a way that was maybe less detrimental to them.
Speaker B:And obviously I think the key word here is sort of naivety and maybe not immaturity.
Speaker B:That's a bit harsh.
Speaker A:But it could be honest if, if that's how you perceive it.
Speaker B:Well, I think, I think it is.
Speaker B:So going back to when we were talking about promiscuity, the thing, I genuinely think that a degree, your degree of narcissism is a direct indicator of your degree of your capacity to be promiscuous.
Speaker B:So I think this, this idea of promoting promiscuity is so damaging because you're effectively promoting narcissistic behavior.
Speaker B:And it's on the case of women and men.
Speaker B:So maybe women are going to be hypergamous no matter what, and there's good reason why they're hypergamous and it's necessary, et cetera, et cetera.
Speaker B:But they can be blinded by their hypergamous nature sometimes in the same way that men in positions of power can be blinded by.
Speaker B:They have all this, they have this sort of sea of opportunity at their fingertips.
Speaker B:What, what are they going to do?
Speaker B:But there's a. I think it's post coital dysphoria, which is like that feeling that you get like after sort of encounter.
Speaker B:And one of the things that I've noticed about myself is I'm exceptionally sensitive to that sort of, of feeling if I don't know someone.
Speaker B:And I think that's probably something that you can get over.
Speaker B:But you, you can't experience that and think monogamy is clearly sort of almost deep rooted into people because that feeling is, you know, it's, it was, it's like your conscience is.
Speaker B:I have a very sensitive conscience and I think it's linked in with that.
Speaker B:But I don't know, I, I guess I just think.
Speaker B:I do think that sort of promoting promiscuity can be damaging to people because it's, it's basically encouraging some of the worst aspects of who they are.
Speaker B:And also the way that you treat other people, how do you think you can separate that from the way that you treat yourself?
Speaker B:So why do you think that?
Speaker B:Your soul.
Speaker B:You brought up the word soul early and I thought that was a really good, really sort of apt choice of wording.
Speaker B:How do you know that you're not damaging your soul, so to speak.
Speaker B:And that's why I think, I think narcissistic people are less sensitive to that sensation than or more narcissistic people less sensitive to that sensation.
Speaker B:So I guess I sort of was rounding up the topic of that because it's.
Speaker B:We've gone on it for long and I'm sure you've had enough of it.
Speaker A:So, so interesting.
Speaker A:Especially if I could just touch on that one as well.
Speaker A:Again, like you said, lots of points there.
Speaker A:I do believe that is when we spoke a lot about narcissism there as well.
Speaker A:It's like I feel like there are very much a lot of narcissists.
Speaker A:There's narcissists in the world and there's also a lot of people who aren't actually narcissists but have a lot of tendencies that are narcissistic.
Speaker A:And so I think that's like super important to actually differentiate as well because some people generally have just been taught a behavior and that it has been so normalized in society.
Speaker A:So many people seem like narcissists, but sometimes just a lot of them are having narcissistic behaviors and society overall or social media socials have really normalized that behavior as if it's okay and normal.
Speaker A:And that's something that we see so much in relationships where we have like both men and women coming to us saying that their partners do this X, Y and Z, which is very toxic and unhealthy and not a safe, healthy environment to be in.
Speaker A:However, they believe that it's normal and it's okay because it's been so normalized within society.
Speaker A:And so yeah, you touched on a lot of really good points there.
Speaker A:I also do believe as well, when you attract such.
Speaker A:Your wording was like narcissistic on one scale.
Speaker A:Or like you mentioned women coming back or coming and saying it's like I keep attracting low quality men or these bad quality men.
Speaker A:I think you're referring to narcissists at that point or even just bad quality men.
Speaker A:It's on at some level that one, there's 100% a reason why you're attracting that and it's because on some level you embody those qualities or that you embody the opposite of that.
Speaker A:Because a massive rule within relationships or within the universe is the law of polarity.
Speaker A:If there's light, there must be dark.
Speaker A:If there's.
Speaker A:Yeah, if it's.
Speaker A:Yeah, I just said that.
Speaker A:Light, if there must be dark and vice versa.
Speaker A:Like masculine, feminine.
Speaker A:If There is such a one end of the scale of narcissism and anger and heat hatred on for that person to have within themselves on some level, in maybe another aspect that female, for example, has that about herself.
Speaker A:If there's so much anger and hatred for a narcissist to have, because they do say narcissism is on a deep level, that they just hate themselves so much that that's why they portray that way, not that they would ever admit to that themselves.
Speaker A:And on some level there's the female that believes that she's worthy of that, is only worthy of that.
Speaker A:Even if she says that she isn't subconsciously she is acting as if she is only deserving of that love.
Speaker A:That type of love.
Speaker B:Interesting.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, there's.
Speaker B:So one of the things that I've sort of thought.
Speaker B:Been thinking about recently on and off is.
Speaker B:Yeah, I completely agree with that.
Speaker B:And it is.
Speaker B:So it just shows how complicated the whole thing is and how there's a plethora of different possibilities and contributing factors.
Speaker B:But so there's a.
Speaker B:We have a.
Speaker B:In England we've got like a channel called Channel 5.
Speaker B:And after they show Home the way and Neighbors, which obviously.
Speaker B:Or which obviously, you know, every day, once they finished showing those shows, they show basically these sorts of target.
Speaker B:Basically targeted at housewives fundamentally because they've just watched Home and Away in Neighbors.
Speaker B:And I've.
Speaker B:I've watched my mum basically watch these films my entire life growing up, on and off, and she just watches them.
Speaker B:She doesn't like actively watch them, but she just has them on the background and they've always got the exact same story.
Speaker B:Like literally there's.
Speaker B:There's two narratives and that's it.
Speaker B:And I think that they're the core almost.
Speaker B:So what.
Speaker B:They're almost possibly the core female narratives in the same.
Speaker B:Or not female but feminine narratives, whether sort of speaking from an energetic or whatever the word is metaphysical point of view.
Speaker B:In the same way that you could say that the core masculine narrative might be the hero's journey, something like that.
Speaker B:They, they, they.
Speaker B:They're interwoven.
Speaker B:But that is kind of the.
Speaker B:The masculine narrative is to turn chaos into order or the.
Speaker B:So the hero's journey is to go out, conquer the dragon, get the gold, bring it back to society.
Speaker B:So it's.
Speaker B:So it's.
Speaker B:It was it.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's great.
Speaker B:Chaos.
Speaker B:Create order out of chaos.
Speaker B:And maybe the.
Speaker B:The female narrative is.
Speaker B:Is kind of the opposite.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:Well, what is it?
Speaker B:Is it.
Speaker B:It might be to take flawed Order, disintegrate it back into chaos to then maybe allow.
Speaker B:Maybe the female narrative becomes before the masculine narrative, because that's what the.
Speaker B:Anyway, that's what the flood is.
Speaker B:Either way, get back to these films, right?
Speaker B:There's two.
Speaker B:There's.
Speaker B:There's basically two narratives, two plots.
Speaker B:One is that there's young, innocent, unassuming, attractive woman meets evidently dark triad, dark tetrad man who she kind of falls for and then ends up in some sort of predicament at the end that she's got to get herself out of.
Speaker B:And sometimes it ends well and sometimes it doesn't.
Speaker B:It's kind of like the Beauty and the Beast story.
Speaker B:And anyway, I get that it's.
Speaker B:It's romance novels.
Speaker B:It's fifty Shades of Gray.
Speaker B:It's all this, right?
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's cool.
Speaker B:You know, it's the.
Speaker B:Yes, I get it.
Speaker B:But the bit that I find more interesting is when sometimes there's like an evil woman.
Speaker B:And I always thought that's interesting.
Speaker B:What is.
Speaker B:What are these films sort of trying to explain that.
Speaker B:That the.
Speaker B:The same always starts with the sort of the young, textbook, so stereotypically feminine protagonist character, but she encounters some sort of dark, sadistic woman who.
Speaker B:She's got to have another.
Speaker B:It climaxes in some sort of encounter.
Speaker B:And what I think that is now is.
Speaker B:I think that is the female necessity to integrate the toxic aspect of.
Speaker B:Of their personality.
Speaker B:And I think maybe one of the reasons why a lot of young women get into awful relationships is because the toxic aspect of them, which hasn't been successfully integrated yet into their personality, is yearning for that sort of toxic masculine part of them.
Speaker B:In the same way that I was using the Sleeping Beauty metaphor earlier.
Speaker B:What do you.
Speaker B:What.
Speaker B:What do you think about that?
Speaker B:Do you think there's.
Speaker B:There's some sort of weight to that?
Speaker A:Yeah, I think what you were saying was spot on.
Speaker A:Like, that makes so much sense.
Speaker A:And exactly.
Speaker A:Like, as you were talking, I'm like, okay, well, that's like her shadow side.
Speaker A:And then that's literally what you said.
Speaker A:Yes, it's her.
Speaker A:Like, the reason they'd bring it in is because.
Speaker A:Because this is also what happens in life as well.
Speaker A:It's like people will come into your life, like I was saying before, to mirror back to you the parts that you don't want to see.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And all it is is just showing you that you are needing to integrate those parts of yourself.
Speaker A:Because I had.
Speaker A:I remember when I was younger, I think I was like 20, and I had a mentor at the time saying, like, mia, you're a nice person, but you're also a bitch.
Speaker A:You're like, you can be nice, you're kind, but you're also really mean.
Speaker A:And then I remember hearing that and I identified myself as, I'm a nice girl, I'm a kind girl.
Speaker A:It's like, I'm not this, this and this.
Speaker A:Like, I would never assume that I'm that.
Speaker A:And it's so crazy that, like, my mentor was telling me that.
Speaker A:And now that I'm wiser, I can actually see it's like, oh, that was always a part of me as well.
Speaker A:It's like we are all.
Speaker A:There's good and bad in all of us.
Speaker A:However, when we don't acknowledge that we have those parts inside of us, we're pushing it so far down.
Speaker A:And so I feel like you were completely spot on with that assumption.
Speaker B:Yeah, no, exactly.
Speaker B:It's about the integration.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And that's how people are drawn maybe towards people that they.
Speaker B:They shouldn't be.
Speaker B:And it's slightly more complicated for women because, like, I've sort of reached a conclusion where I'm like, oh, I understand why women date men that are clearly oppressive or controlling or sort of dictatorial because it's all linked in with protection and safety.
Speaker B:And that is fundamentally a woman's number one concern, I think, in life.
Speaker B:Their protection and the protection of their children.
Speaker B:That's.
Speaker B:I think that's what security and safety.
Speaker B:So I really think that when, you know, when you look at sort of the modern world, women are motivated from a career perspective, not necessarily for they're motivated by money because money breeds security and safety.
Speaker B:Whereas I actually don't think men are motivated by money for the same reason.
Speaker B:I think men are motivated by money because it brings control or power and it brings access to women.
Speaker B:So I think they actually.
Speaker B:We actually have different motivations, fundamental motivations sort of accumulating in the same way.
Speaker B:And you could definitely make the argument that maybe that makes women less prone to corruption and things like that.
Speaker B:Although I haven't actually seen that in my own personal life.
Speaker B:I've seen just as many sorts of women that are rule with an iron fist, so to speak, as there are men.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:But I wonder if obviously you're never going to prove that or you're never going to.
Speaker B:You can't really.
Speaker B:You can't prove anything, I suppose, but you're never going to create, you know, it's just a hypothesis that you're not going to be able to.
Speaker B:To work on very Hard.
Speaker B:But I wonder if maybe there's.
Speaker B:There's something in.
Speaker B:In that and.
Speaker B:Yeah, but who knows?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:I feel like everything you're saying is very spot on.
Speaker A:And exactly what I would say as well.
Speaker A:It really is.
Speaker A:It's like women are wanting security because it's like what you.
Speaker A:Everything you were saying is that it's so primal.
Speaker A:When you go back to it, it's like, yes, in this world, it's like women can have the job and have all the security and make their own money and have that safety and abundance, but it's like when you meet a man that also has that.
Speaker A:For example, I used to act very much out of my masculine energy, thinking that I was all feminine and light.
Speaker A:When I actually met my partner Charlie, and he came in with so much security and so like just.
Speaker A:He actually had a divine masculine energy.
Speaker A:He was embodying masculine energy so well that it actually naturally pushed me or moved me into my femininity for the first time in my life.
Speaker A:And I never actually experienced that because I only then when I experienced what it was like to step into my femininity, I realized that I was acting out of my masculine energy, out of safety, for safety and security for myself.
Speaker A:Because no one else around me, like my parents, my childhood, like, I didn't have that masculine figure or protection around me.
Speaker A:It wasn't secure.
Speaker A:So I created that for myself.
Speaker A:And the moment that you meet a man that has that security, it's so interesting that a woman will naturally go into her femininity.
Speaker A:So that is something like you definitely are on spot on with that.
Speaker A:And it is such a primal thing and it's such a historical thing that it's such a natural embodiment for a woman to move more into the feminine and more natural for a man to move into.
Speaker A:Into his masculine when they do meet those.
Speaker A:Their divine counterpart, I would say.
Speaker A:And so when you link money into it as well, it's like overall, we're just wanting security.
Speaker A:And what that for women, security comes from having a man that can provide that or having the job herself to have it.
Speaker A:And then I think you were spot on with saying that men get it because it's more power, more control as well as they get more access to women, more access to a lot of different things with money as well.
Speaker B:Yeah, exactly.
